Dr. Harriet Lerner is a psychologist who has dedicated her life to helping others. She has written several books, blogs for Psychology Today and speaks to audiences around the country. You can learn more about Dr. Lerner at her website and see her Ted Talk here.
Note: Most links are affiliate links which means we make a small commission without costing you anything extra. You can learn more here.
Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurtsby
Dr. Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies—and why some people won’t give them—for more than two decades. Now she offers compelling stories and solid theory that bring home how much the simple apology matters and what is required for healing when the hurt we’ve inflicted (or received) is far from simple. Readers will learn how to craft a deeply meaningful “I’m sorry” and avoid apologies that only deepen the original injury.
Why Won’t You Apologize? also addresses the compelling needs of the injured party—the one who has been hurt by someone who won’t apologize, tell the truth, or feel remorse. Lerner explains what drives both the non-apologizer and the over-apologizer, as well as why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own up. She helps the injured person resist pressure to forgive too easily and challenges the popular notion that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind. With her trademark humor and wit, Lerner offers a joyful and sanity-saving guide to setting things right.
Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel—and certainly our anger is no exception.
“Anger is a signal and one worth listening to,” writes Dr. Harriet Lerner in her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of readers. While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless. In this engaging and eminently wise book, Dr. Lerner teaches both women and men to identify the true sources of anger and to use it as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting change.
For decades, this book has helped millions of readers learn how to turn their anger into a constructive force for reshaping their lives. With a new introduction by the author, The Dance of Anger is ready to lead the next generation.
Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up by
Marriage Rules offers new relationship advice to age-old problems (“He won’t talk”/“She doesn’t want sex”) as well as modern ones (your partner’s relationship to technology). If one person in a couple follows ten rules of his or her choice, it will generate a major, positive change. All that’s required is a genuine wish for a better relationship and a willingness to practice.
Marriage Rules is a treasure chest of lively, practical advice to help you navigate your relationships issues with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction
The key problem in relationships, particularly over time, is that people begin to lose their voice. Despite decades of assertiveness training and lots of good advice about communicating with clarity, timing, and tact, women and men find that their greatest complaints in marriage and other intimate relationships are that they are not being heard, that they cannot affect the other person, that fights go nowhere, that conflict brings only pain. Although an intimate, long-term relationship offers the greatest possibilities for knowing the other person and being known, these relationships are also fertile ground for silence and frustration when it comes to articulating a true self. And yet giving voice to this self is at the center of having both a relationship and a self. Much as she did in THE MOTHER DANCE, Lerner will approach this rich subject with tales from her personal life and clinical work, inspiring and teaching readers to speak their own truths to the most important people in their lives.
From the celebrated author of The Dance of Anger comes an extraordinary book about mothering and how it transforms us — and all our relationships — inside and out. Written from her dual perspective as a psychologist and a mother, Lerner brings us deeply personal tales that run the gamut from the hilarious to the heart-wrenching. From birth or adoption to the empty nest, The Mother Dance teaches the basic lessons of motherhood: that we are not in control of what happens to our children, that most of what we worry about doesn’t happen, and that our children will love us with all our imperfections if we can do the same for them. Here is a gloriously witty and moving book about what it means to dance the mother dance.
The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships by
In The Dance of Intimacy, the bestselling author of The Dance of Anger outlines the steps to take so that good relationships can be strengthened and difficult ones can be healed. Taking a careful look at those relationships where intimacy is most challenged–by distance, intensity, or pain–she teaches us about the specific changes we can make to achieve a more solid sense of self and a more intimate connectedness with others. Combining clear advice with vivid case examples, Dr. Lerner offers us the most solid, helpful book on intimate relationships that both women and men may ever encounter.
Unhappiness, says bestselling author Harriet Lerner, is fueled by three key emotions: anxiety, fear, and shame. They are the uninvited guests in our lives. When tragedy or hardship hits, they may become our constant companions.
Anxiety can wash over us like a tidal wave or operate as a silent thrum under the surface of our daily lives. With stories that are sometimes hilarious and sometimes heartbreaking, Lerner takes us from “fear lite” to the most difficult lessons the universe sends us. We learn:
- how a man was “cured in a day” of the fear of rejection — and what we can learn from his story
- how the author overcame her dread of public speaking when her worst fears were realized
- how to deal with the fear of not being good enough, and with the shame of feeling essentially flawed and inadequate
- how to stay calm and clear in an anxious, crazy workplace
- how to manage fear and despair when life sends a crash course in illness, vulnerability, and loss
- how “positive thinking” helps — and harms
- how to be our best and bravest selves, even when we are terrified and have internalized the shaming messages of others
No one signs up for anxiety, fear, and shame, but we can’t avoid them either. As we learn to respond to these three key emotions in new ways, we can live more fully in the present and move into the future with courage, clarity, humor, and hope. Fear and Other Uninvited Guests shows us how.
When The Dance of Deceptionwas published, Lerner discovered that women were not eager to identify with the subject. “Well, I don’t do deception” was a common resonse. We all “do deception”, often with the intention to protect ourselves and the relationships we depend on. The Dance of Deceptionunravels the ways (and whys) that women show the false and hide the real — even to our own selves. We see how relationships are affected by lying and faking, by silence and pretending and by brave — but misguided — efforts to tell the truth.
Truth-telling is at the heart of what is most central in women’s lives. It is at the foundation of authenticity and creativity, intimacy and joy. Yet in the name of “honesty”, we can bludgeon each other. We can approach a difficult issue with such a poor sense of timing and tact that we can actually shut down the lines of communication rather than widening the path of truth-telling.
Sometimes Lerner’s advice takes a surprising turn — for example, when she asks us to engage in a bold act of pretending in order to discover something “more real”; or when she tells us not to parachute down on our family to bring up a “hot issue” without laying the necessary groundwork first. Whether the subject is affairs, family secrets, sexual faking or the challenge of “being oneself”, Lerner helps us to discover, speak and live our own truth.
With wit, wisdom and uncommon sense, Dr. Harriet Lerner gives readers the tools to solve problems and create joy, meaning and integrity in their relationships. Women will find Life Preservers (more than 40,000 copies sold in hardcover) to be an invaluable motivational guide that covers the landscape of work and creativity, anger and intimacy, friendship and marriage, children and parents, loss and betrayal, sexuality and health and much more.
With new insights and a results-oriented approach, Dr. Lerner answers women’s most frequently asked questions and offers the best advice for problems women face today.
Franny B. Kranny’s long, frizzy hair is big trouble. It ties itself in knots on the buttons of her dress and gets stuck in the refrigerator door! But Franny B. Kranny loves her hair. She refuses to cut it and is furious when she has to get a fancy new hairdo for a family reunion. Then a bird decides to make Franny B. Kranny’s hair its home, and suddenly Franny B. Kranny starts to like her new hairdo….
Best-selling author and psychologist Harriet Lerner and her big sister, biologist Susan Goldhor, co-authored the children’s book What’s So Terrible About Swallowing an Apple Seed?. They team up again here with this hilarious and heartfelt story about daring to be different. World-renowned British illustrator Helen Oxenbury brings Franny B. Kranny, her wild hair, and her unique family delightfully to life.
When Rosie accidentally swallows an apple seed, her big sister Katie tells her that before long apple tree branches will bloom right out of her ears. Soon Rosie is imagining both the hazards and delights of having branches growing from her ears, and Katie is learning how fast a little white lie can grow. Written by bestselling author and psychologist, Harriet Lerner, and her big sister, Susan Goldhor, with delightfully funny illustrations by Catharine O’Neill, this is a special story about straying from the truth, forgiveness, and the boundless powers of a child’s imagination.
Dr. Lerner also has several recordings on Audible. As an added bonus, new customers always get their first Audible download free.
If you know of another book that belongs on this list let us know here or tell us about it in the comments. Make sure you’re also following The Therapist’s Bookshelf on Facebook and Instagram.
Many therapists enjoy recommending books to their clients to supplement the work they are doing together. We also use books to help ourselves grow as people and practitioners. Remember though that books are never a replacement for real human connection, for supervision and continuing education, or for therapy when it’s needed. If you find yourself needing a therapist, a great place to start is Psychology Today. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.
